It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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