What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
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