she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
