I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
