So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
My vagina just recognized that song.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Text me some of your sweat
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
