I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
