things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
