11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
