Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
not ubering you a puppy
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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