dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
I can text with my tongue
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
