I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
