I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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