Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
