Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize