he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
