i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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