What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
