dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
