Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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