i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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