I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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