I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
