There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I need a burrito and a hug.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We need to get me chipped asap
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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