how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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