I faked an abortion last night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
