i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
