the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize