ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
