Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We had sex on a dog bed..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
