Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
