In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
His nipple licking is glorious
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