He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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