i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
