Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm too high and old for this...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
