I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Shame - the story of my life.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
