well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
