I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
