Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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