He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
