Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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