Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
