I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
