OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
