Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
