I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
