how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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