I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
