I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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