I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
P.S. I can't hear my feet
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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