I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize