Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
