just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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