I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize